Wishes..
I read "The Monkey's Paw", by W.W. Jacobs, this month with a student who I am tutoring. I remembered the story from high school.
It is certainly one that leaves an impression.
In theory, I know I should be careful what I wish for...
Deb, the counselor I went and saw the year of the divorce, asked me a question once, emphasizing it was merely hypothetical, just something that might be interesting to think about.
"Rebecca," she said, "What if you actually get everything you ask for?"
I cocked my head to the side and squinted one eye.
"Are you asking, what if I asked for all of this to happen to me?"
She nodded and then fell silent and let my mind do the rest.
Had I known the sentence, "You lose things you cling to", I would have been repeating it on my daily walks and probably would have also been holding leaves in the palm of my hand, studying the veins while wondering how long they would sit there before floating away in the wind.
But, I was not there yet. Instead, my knuckles were white. (Thinking, 'Please don't leave me. I can't survive without you.' Not Deb, but the man who can't be named.)
'What if that is true?' I thought.
"Well, I didn't ask for melanoma if that is what you are asking! AND for the record, when girls went tanning before prom, I didn't go." I felt the need to say.
and, AND
"How many times had I just wished that Tim Calice could have been enough!?"
I knew she wasn't accusing me of masochism, but instead and once again, asking me to think about life in a little different way. Not in some moralist sense with a universe/God providing obstacles that make you stronger and wiser, but instead in a way that was a little less harsh.
What if it had been my decision, my choice, what if the only enemy to me WAS me?
I think about that a lot.
Mostly, because I don't see the harm in that line of thinking, the belief that everything that happens is simply okay, neither inherently good nor bad. It just is and will become entirely what we make of it.
But I also like the idea that I am the master of my own fate, and a powerful mover of the universe.
Though, I am pretty sure it sometimes gets annoying to the people around me, especially when I declare I am an extremely powerful person, extending both my hands to the heavens.
But it makes Amy and I laugh, which I like a lot.
In fact, one of my favorite days, was when that black popsicle stick 'magically' became licorice, ten seconds after I made the statement that all of life's problems might be solved if that small stick just happened to be edible. You have no idea what it felt like in my heart when I bit down on what appeared to be plastic and felt my teeth go through.
Amy and I believe we may have been hanged for witchcraft in another lifetime, or in this one, if certain people start running our country.
It is the New Year. So it makes sense to think about wishes and if I get to orchestrate my life, what would I cue?
Besides, I just spent the weekend with Amy and Annie. We walked up and down 3 of the 14 mile coastline of New Hampshire, and in the middle of laughs and lectures, I had my fair share of New Year discussions with the universe.
Things I know:
I know who makes the air in my lungs easier to breathe.
I am a better person when those people are near me.
I am kinder
gentler
(and a lot more funny)
and I love to be funny
I know I can survive without the people I love most
I still hate that fact
but I also know that is absolutely true.
I am so tired of the missing.
I want to do so much better than survive.
You don't meet people that make the air easier to breathe everyday.
and when you do
I don't think you let those people go
If you get a choice
and sometimes you get a choice.
You don't white knuckle hold them until their heads pop off either.
I promise you, I do know that too.
Though it is tempting.
and I may have done that a time or two.
I have tremendous empathy for Lenny in Of Mice and Men
But, what is wrong with moving your hand a little and maybe your feet too, to keep that leaf resting gently, for as long as it wants to rest especially if you want to hold it too?
It is certainly one that leaves an impression.
In theory, I know I should be careful what I wish for...
Deb, the counselor I went and saw the year of the divorce, asked me a question once, emphasizing it was merely hypothetical, just something that might be interesting to think about.
"Rebecca," she said, "What if you actually get everything you ask for?"
I cocked my head to the side and squinted one eye.
"Are you asking, what if I asked for all of this to happen to me?"
She nodded and then fell silent and let my mind do the rest.
Had I known the sentence, "You lose things you cling to", I would have been repeating it on my daily walks and probably would have also been holding leaves in the palm of my hand, studying the veins while wondering how long they would sit there before floating away in the wind.
But, I was not there yet. Instead, my knuckles were white. (Thinking, 'Please don't leave me. I can't survive without you.' Not Deb, but the man who can't be named.)
'What if that is true?' I thought.
"Well, I didn't ask for melanoma if that is what you are asking! AND for the record, when girls went tanning before prom, I didn't go." I felt the need to say.
and, AND
"How many times had I just wished that Tim Calice could have been enough!?"
I knew she wasn't accusing me of masochism, but instead and once again, asking me to think about life in a little different way. Not in some moralist sense with a universe/God providing obstacles that make you stronger and wiser, but instead in a way that was a little less harsh.
What if it had been my decision, my choice, what if the only enemy to me WAS me?
I think about that a lot.
Mostly, because I don't see the harm in that line of thinking, the belief that everything that happens is simply okay, neither inherently good nor bad. It just is and will become entirely what we make of it.
But I also like the idea that I am the master of my own fate, and a powerful mover of the universe.
Though, I am pretty sure it sometimes gets annoying to the people around me, especially when I declare I am an extremely powerful person, extending both my hands to the heavens.
But it makes Amy and I laugh, which I like a lot.
In fact, one of my favorite days, was when that black popsicle stick 'magically' became licorice, ten seconds after I made the statement that all of life's problems might be solved if that small stick just happened to be edible. You have no idea what it felt like in my heart when I bit down on what appeared to be plastic and felt my teeth go through.
Amy and I believe we may have been hanged for witchcraft in another lifetime, or in this one, if certain people start running our country.
It is the New Year. So it makes sense to think about wishes and if I get to orchestrate my life, what would I cue?
Besides, I just spent the weekend with Amy and Annie. We walked up and down 3 of the 14 mile coastline of New Hampshire, and in the middle of laughs and lectures, I had my fair share of New Year discussions with the universe.
Things I know:
I know who makes the air in my lungs easier to breathe.
I am a better person when those people are near me.
I am kinder
gentler
(and a lot more funny)
and I love to be funny
I know I can survive without the people I love most
I still hate that fact
but I also know that is absolutely true.
I am so tired of the missing.
I want to do so much better than survive.
You don't meet people that make the air easier to breathe everyday.
and when you do
I don't think you let those people go
If you get a choice
and sometimes you get a choice.
You don't white knuckle hold them until their heads pop off either.
I promise you, I do know that too.
Though it is tempting.
and I may have done that a time or two.
I have tremendous empathy for Lenny in Of Mice and Men
But, what is wrong with moving your hand a little and maybe your feet too, to keep that leaf resting gently, for as long as it wants to rest especially if you want to hold it too?
Comments